Dear Reader,
All of us go through happy and difficult times. I’ve kept a journal for several years and it has been so helpful. I’ve recently been through a challenging time and decided to share it with you. If you do not journal, I encourage you to do so.
JOURNAL ENTRY
April 7, 2011
I’m still resisting writing in this journal. I know that, at some level, I do know why I hesitate and I need to access it now. I can feel the tears welling in eyes as I write. I feel the tightness in my chest holding me in shallow breathing. I feel as if my heart is breaking because I do not acknowledge the underlying sadness that I’m carrying every day. I know my resistance is the cause of my pain and suffering. I wish I could get to the bottom of this seemingly unending anguish.
Question: Is all of this true or am I writing this because it sounds good? Isn’t that just like me? I can find so many ways to sabotage myself and my true feelings. I’m tired, very tired of resisting. Still, right this minute I want to crawl into bed and sleep. It’s nearly 11 am and I’ve been up since eight. My chest is growing tighter as I write. I could cover this up with humor, which I’m good at doing. Covering up is easy. Admitting the truth is difficult and painful. I have no excuse for holding myself away from my gifts/talents. I certainly have no excuse for holding back from my Source.
I’m ready to scream – I don’t understand. Is there a God, I ask? Is there a source from which I come to be? I look around at all my stuff and still I feel nothing but sadness. The “stuff” diverts me and takes me away from my Source. If I focus on stuff, I can keep the painful heart feeling out of my mind. To keep it away I think of what I must do, what I can eat and drink, or who I can call.
As I divert from the Spirit I feel nothing but the same old feelings of sadness and despair creep in. I used to be able to shove them down, but they won’t stay down this time. I push them back and drink some tea. The tightness in my chest eases once again, and my mind believes I’m free from all of that nonsense.
Ah ha! Watch a movie, go outside, do the laundry or clean the kitchen. Yes I can do that. No more feeling now. The tears are gone. Breathing now eases. And yet, sadness prevails. I’ve turned my back on an opportunity to become closer to my Source. This is the dance that keeps me in pain and heartache. It’s time – time to change the pattern, time to stand up for my heart felt knowing that I am a Divine Alchemist, and this is part of the ever-changing and expanding soul who wants to participate in creating a new and glorious world.
Written For You With Love,
Rev. Dr. Barbara Rasp
All of us go through happy and difficult times. I’ve kept a journal for several years and it has been so helpful. I’ve recently been through a challenging time and decided to share it with you. If you do not journal, I encourage you to do so.
JOURNAL ENTRY
April 7, 2011
I’m still resisting writing in this journal. I know that, at some level, I do know why I hesitate and I need to access it now. I can feel the tears welling in eyes as I write. I feel the tightness in my chest holding me in shallow breathing. I feel as if my heart is breaking because I do not acknowledge the underlying sadness that I’m carrying every day. I know my resistance is the cause of my pain and suffering. I wish I could get to the bottom of this seemingly unending anguish.
Question: Is all of this true or am I writing this because it sounds good? Isn’t that just like me? I can find so many ways to sabotage myself and my true feelings. I’m tired, very tired of resisting. Still, right this minute I want to crawl into bed and sleep. It’s nearly 11 am and I’ve been up since eight. My chest is growing tighter as I write. I could cover this up with humor, which I’m good at doing. Covering up is easy. Admitting the truth is difficult and painful. I have no excuse for holding myself away from my gifts/talents. I certainly have no excuse for holding back from my Source.
I’m ready to scream – I don’t understand. Is there a God, I ask? Is there a source from which I come to be? I look around at all my stuff and still I feel nothing but sadness. The “stuff” diverts me and takes me away from my Source. If I focus on stuff, I can keep the painful heart feeling out of my mind. To keep it away I think of what I must do, what I can eat and drink, or who I can call.
As I divert from the Spirit I feel nothing but the same old feelings of sadness and despair creep in. I used to be able to shove them down, but they won’t stay down this time. I push them back and drink some tea. The tightness in my chest eases once again, and my mind believes I’m free from all of that nonsense.
Ah ha! Watch a movie, go outside, do the laundry or clean the kitchen. Yes I can do that. No more feeling now. The tears are gone. Breathing now eases. And yet, sadness prevails. I’ve turned my back on an opportunity to become closer to my Source. This is the dance that keeps me in pain and heartache. It’s time – time to change the pattern, time to stand up for my heart felt knowing that I am a Divine Alchemist, and this is part of the ever-changing and expanding soul who wants to participate in creating a new and glorious world.
Written For You With Love,
Rev. Dr. Barbara Rasp
0 comments:
Post a Comment